Wham Bam thank you Yang

Top 10 Animals Leaderboard

1. The Tiger (Woods), 2nd, -6 “Roar, Tiger, roar!” yelled a fan on the 1st tee. He tried but by the time he had got to the last two holes, it was more of a miaow. But at least he can fly home to his gates fortress in the knowledge that he was low Animal at the 91st USPGA Championship.

2. The Elephant Man, John Merrick, Evens, Tied 10 Has no wins on the main tour and one on the Nationwide tour at the 2006 Peak ’n’ Peak Classic. Which is quite apt considering how he has to play with a dreadful limp and a sackcloth over his head. Lists his parents as his heroes. Ah, bless.

3. The Penguin, Tim Clark, +1, Tied 16 Got his little waddling fella nickname because the 5ft 7 inches South African waddles like one of them little waddling fellas. The march of the Penguin gathered pace with a second-round 68 but melted like a chocolate Penguin in a microwave at the weekend.

4. The Fish, Ross Fisher, +2, Tied 19 Tied 30 at the Masters, 5th at the US Open, tied 13 at the Open. Not a bad 2009 report card for the Wentworth golf academy graduate and new dad to Eve. A second-round 68 got him into a tie for 2nd place but a third-round 73 saw him take the downbound train that he never got off.

5. The (K J) Choi, +3, Tied 24 The seven-time PGA exotic fish champion didn’t even finish as low Korean at the 91st USPGA Championship. That honour goes to his mate Y E Yang. Choi, the son of a rice farmer never even saw a golf course until he was 16. Had to give up wrestling because it was ruining his swing. A problem many of us can identify with.

6. The (Ben) Crane, +6, Tied 43 He’s the slow-moving balding bird that Rory Sabbatini got fed up with for his pace of play. He’s so slow he gets put on calendar, not the clock. Has won twice on the PGA Tour but his finest moment is his second Nationwide victory at the, deep breath, fabulously ridiculously titled 2001 Gila River Classic At Wild Horse Pass Development.

T7. The Spiderman, Camilo Villegas, +7, tied 51 Everyone loves a sniff of Columbia’s finest (and we’re not talking marching powder) of the leaderboard. Especially the ladies. But he got stuck with three 73s and a 76 and just stopped short of throwing his miss-firing wedge into on of Minnesota’s 10,000 lakes. Amazing that whoever had the job of counting them came to such a neat round number.

T7. The Goose, Retief Goosen, +7, tied 51 Two times US Open champion shot 77 two times at Hazeltine. Not a single birdie in the fourth round.

9. The Duck, Angel Cabrera, +10, Tied 63 Kenny Perry beat him in their final round grouping four months too late. Cabrera resisted the temptation to wear his Masters green jacket to the 1st tee.

10. The (Grant) Sturgeon, +15, Tied 76 Common fish club pro makes the cut but drowns at the weekend with an 80 and a 79. It’s back to selling mars bars and slice cures in his Oakmont Country Club pro shop after his dalliance with the big time.

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