USPGA media centre goings on

In the media hotel time for a cold shower. Dozens of delicious models have checked into the media hotel. Imagine their excitement at seeing before them a throng of overweight, middle-aged hard-drinking golf hacks who have been away from home for too long, eyes on stalks and tongues on the floor. Maybe they’re a gift from the PGA. It sure beats another polo shirt.

Opposite the media hotel it’s hell on earth. The largest shopping mall in the States is across the car park. It’s a squillion metres of piped musak, brightly coloured

family-friendly restaurants and enough shops to reduce Paris Hilton to tears. It gets worse. It’s so huge, there’re enough space in the middle for a water flume, rollercoaster and big wheel – for husbands to hurl themselves off. Think Alton Towers in the middle of Bluewater. Nurse!

Inside the media center (sic) Déjà vu all over again. The Golf Channel has been airing Tin Cup every morning on the giant plasma screen in the media center (sic again). It’s all very well but I no longer know what day it is. I’ve seen Kevin Costner

hit more shots this week than any other golfer here.

More inside the media center (sic thrice) Happy finish? There is a booth at the back of the interview room offering massages at $1 per minute. “Sit back and relax,” says the sign on the window. What sort of a sordid cheap gin joint is the PGA of

America running here? I would be tempted – except the two fine ladies inside have hands like shovels that look capable of breaking limbs. The look in their eyes also suggests they would enjoy the snapping sound, too.

In the championship Fashion news: In a tribute to the late, great Payne Stewart, who won his first US Open at Hazeltine, the cut has fallen here at plus-4. There’ll be 19 plus-fours on show at the weekend. They won’t include Sergio Garcia, who double-bogeyed his last hole to miss the cut by one shot. And who ever looked dapper in plus-fives?