Nine holes with Monty

Monty, Monty, Monty, nine holes with you is like a lifetime with anyone else. Three of us have just spent two and a half hours with Colin Montgomerie and it s been exhausting, brilliant but exhausting.

In fact so eventful was it that playing partner and mild mid-west eccentric Boo Weekley turned to him laughing at one point and said; C mon Monty, calm down! A triple-bogey, two doubles, two birdies and four pars is a roller-coaster whichever way you look at it but with the Monty it doesn t even tell half the story.

It was a very merry Monty who stepped onto the 1st tee to huge acclaim with one barmy fan dressed head to foot in Saltires. And the grin remained firmly planted on the fleshy features as we trundled uneventfully down the 1st with the regular C mon on Monty shouts only serving to widen that smile. It was a calm before the most almighty of storms.

A blue-jacketed OAP marshal was the first to suffer after the big man pulled his second shot into the clag left of the 2nd green. Said marshal got an earful for having the temerity to stand behind Monty holding up his please quiet sign. We sniggered quietly in the background but should really have heeded the warning.

The TV buggies following the trio were the next to receive Monty s baleful ire, followed very quickly by the man who very kindly agreed to rake Monty s bunkers a bit unfair we thought of the Scot to get cross with him, perhaps he wanted to rake his own bunkers.

An air shot, which you probably saw, didn t help the mood at 5 and by the time we were on the 6th fairway the GM trio were desperately trying to melt into the bushes every time Monty glanced our way not easy when you are wearing orange Galvin Greens.

So bad did it get for Monty on 6 that he dropped his club in exasperation as he arrowed his vision at another marshal who had started to let spectators cross just as he was ready to fire another shot into the bund. Oh dear.

As we stood by the 7th, BBC Radio Five Live s Andrew Murray told us he was going to bet Monty a pint that he wouldn t make the cut let it be known that Mr Murray is the bravest man in England. But Monty being Monty clearly decided that seven dropped shots in five holes was enough and promptly nearly aced the 7th. Murray got his question in, Monty laughed and decided to roll in a 25-footer at 8 for back-to-back birdies.

By now we were in a spin and I even got the faint whiff of the smug smile back on the Scot s face. It twitched a little bigger as he fired a 7-iron to 8ft at 9 and surely a third birdie in three. He might even ask Andrew Murray for dinner tonight I mused. But no, had we not learnt what this man is like? He missed the putt, stared at Murray and stormed off for a second nine.

Wow, what a man.