Welcome from the USPGA

Welcome to the 90th US PGA Championship at Oakland Hills, near Detroit, Michigan. A sign outside the entrance lists the banned items that will ensure spectators come to no harm and have a nice day. Ah, heck, it's no fun at golf tournaments these days. Killjoys.

1. No Cell phones, radios, televisions, hand-held games, MP3 players, iPods, etc. Which is a shame because I was going to set up my 42-inch flatscreen TV by the 18th green and work on my tan and crank up the volume on my Bruce Springsteen Greatest Hits CD. “Born in the U.S.A.” Quiet, please.

2. No food, bikes, coolers, signs and banners, ladders. Bad news, then, for window cleaners and burglars.

3. No weapons, regardless of permit. Arms dealers, please note, you are not welcome here – even if you do have a letter from your despotic dictator.

4. No dogs and other pets. Other pets? Llamas? Snakes? Gerbils? Donkeys?

5. No oversized chairs with wide arm rests. There must have been some incident last year with students carrying in sofas with those drinks holders at the end of their arms (the arms of the sofas, not the students).

6. No other items deemed unlawful or dangerous. Like air-to-surface missile launchers, then, and pencils, which, when sharpened, can poke a chap’s eye out.