Overheard At The Golf Club: The Most Ridiculous Comments I've Witnessed In My 45 Years As A Golfer

Golfers are a funny bunch and we're prone to coming out with some interesting comments, whether it's things we shouldn't say to our playing partners, tirades about the World Handicap System or diatribes about slow play.

While many of these arguments have merit, sometime you just have to shake your head and laugh at what comes out of some golfers' mouths on the course or in the clubhouse.

The following are just a few examples of the nonsense that we are all capable of saying, as well as some amusing stories from the past 40+ years of being a golf club member.

If you've have anything to add, please leave a message in the comments!

‘Would you like to be considered for the captaincy?’

This remains my favourite golfing story. Back in the early 80s, a friend’s dad would turn up at a club where his mates were all members and join them every Saturday morning.

He would never enter a competition, but he would be on the tee at 7.30am every weekend where he would enjoy 18 holes before a few pints and a spot of lunch.

Over time he would become part of the furniture of the place and, after several years, he was told that he would make an excellent captain and would he consider the role for the following season.

The only problem was that he had never actually joined the club. For at least four or five years he had paid nothing but enjoyed full playing privileges before being offered the big gig, which forced him to seek another place to play his golf.

‘Faldo did it in two years, I’ll do it in one’

There’s no need to mention any names here, but I distinctly remember a certain member at Wimbledon Park GC coming out with this around 1989. He was referring to a rebuild of his swing that was required due to having too many swing faults.

This character was in his early 30s and genuinely believed that he was the second coming of Nick Faldo. He employed the same pre-set drill, wore the same clothes, used the same irons and putting routine that his fellow Englishman employed.

He was also a lunatic who drunk too much and played off a handicap of 14 when he came out with this in the clubhouse bar after too many bottles of Labatts.

To his enormous credit, he got down to 6 within a year, though there was no rebuild to go alongside the handicap reduction – just a lot of golf which gave him an excuse to fuel his boozing.

‘I want my wedge to be 45 inches long’

This happened to a relatively (very, very micro celeb in football circles) well-known commentator who came upon the idea that he needed ALL his clubs lengthened.

This was in the late 90s and so well before any type of Bryson intel, but he was a tall man and he wanted every single club to be the same length as his driver.

The very affable pro tried to reason that he was going to struggle to finesse his wedges when they were nearly four foot long, but he was adamant. Money was no object and he said that he would quickly be able to recalculate his yardages and it would take his game to new levels and distances.

I did keep a very close eye on his handicap, which gently rose in the coming months and he was back to his normal length clubs by the end of the year.

‘Are you staying for a pint? Err…. I think I’ll leave it’

Golf can take a long time and, in that period, some very bad things can happen. This thankfully didn’t happen on home turf or, thankfully, to me. But it did happen to one friend and we’ll still dine out on it.

On the 14th hole of a course that will remain anonymous for reasons that will soon become clear, this friend got caught very short in the worst imaginable way and had to take refuge in the trees.

His Callaway towel had to bite the bullet to try and address what had just taken place and he would play the last five holes in some level of discomfort.

Of course, he could and should have just walked in, but he had quite a good score going and so he decided to waddle his way through the remaining holes.

Needless to say he made a similar mess of his scorecard too and he would make a very quick exit after deciding not to shake hands on the 18th green.

‘You’ll need to buy some socks, sir’

We’ve all had a run-in in a pro shop and there is probably nothing more off putting in golf than being told that you’re dressed incorrectly.

This happened maybe a decade ago at a club where I was a visitor for the day. My criminal mistake was to wear a pair of black ankle socks.

What I should have done is to replace them with a white pair, not a pair of knee-length socks that some golf clubs bizarrely obsess about (and look ridiculous) but just something in white.

I did query to the young assistant pro whether it really mattered. We were the first group off, it was 70˚already, we wouldn’t come into contact with another golfer and the likelihood was that a) nobody would care what socks I was wearing, b) very few members would actually know what the rule was and c) nobody would care what socks I was wearing.

The assistant was barely able to get any words out by way of a reply so I then felt bad for questioning the rule and bought the socks for £8. And never returned to the club based on the ludicrous exchange.

‘What underpants are you wearing?’

Bear with me. In 2009 we enjoyed a golf trip to Northern Ireland, which, it soon became apparent, would take place during ‘The Twelfth’ celebrations.

Also known as Orangemen’s Day, it is an annual Ulster Protestant celebration on July 12 that commemorates the victory of Protestant King William of Orange over Catholic King James II at the Battle of the Boyne in 1690.

Which is a long-winded way of trying to explain why someone asked what undercrackers we had on that day.

Four of us were just looking for some world-class links action, which we got, but we also got to witness a golf day like no other.

As would soon become very apparent this was a very protestant golf club and every player, almost without fail, would drop their trousers on the 1st tee to unravel a pair of Union Jack boxer shorts before teeing off.

Needless to say we had an extra pint to give our new friends a bit of breathing space.

‘Have you got a tee time around one o’clock?

I used to spend far too much time hanging around the pro shop growing up and the levels of stupidity from certain members remain a great life lesson.

This was long before even the internet, so if you had missed the weather forecast on the news then there was a certain acceptance to ring and ask the pro if the course was open.

One conversation has always stuck with me when one member asked for a tee time around 1pm.

‘No problem, you can have 12.58 or 1.06pm’

‘No, I’ll struggle to make that. I’ll have to leave it’