Birdies and Bogeys - teas and tees

JOHN THYNNE (assistant editor)

We drink a lot of tea at Golf Monthly and it's just struck me that beverage offerings from my colleagues vary as much as their golf games - and there doesn't seem to be a direct link between their ability at the great game and making a brew.

A tea round from equipment editor Jeremy Ellwood, for example, is as rare as a Brit winning a Major. The 6 (soon to be 5?) handicapper is notoriously slow to offer to make the drinks - but boy are they worth waiting for. Unlike the rest of us, he allows the tea bag to brew properly in the mug rather than swirling it round quickly and hoping for the best. He also manages to add just the right amount of milk (semi-skimmed, obviously) to each mug, catering to varying office tastes.

Which is more than can be said of one of our freelance designers (who shall remain nameless). I'm not one to turn down a cup of tea lightly but the offerings of Mr X have prompted me into delivering excuses, such as, "Thanks Mr X but I've had my fill today". I've no idea how he did it but the liquid in my last Mr X mug looked like something from Glastonbury and probably tasted like it too (I had to pick my moment and, "go and wash my mug" a couple of minutes later.) Mr X doesn't play golf by the way.

Anyway, I've rated the GM staff for tea-making and their handicaps are something like this.

Editor Mike Harris. Playing handicap: 7. Tea handicap: 10. (Mr Harris says he?s more of an Earl Grey man and struggles a bit with the PG Tips.)

Equipment editor Jeremy Ellwood. Playing handicap: 6. Tea handicap: 2. (Has the ability to be a scratch player. Needs to practise more.)

Instruction editor Neil Tappin. Playing handicap: 5. Tea handicap: 5. (Reliable tea maker, returning consistently good brews.)

Sub-editor Luke Norman. Playing handicap: 8. Tea handicap: unknown. (Makes tea very occasionally ? has a tendency to ?NR?.)

Travel and lifestyle editor Alicia Harney. Playing handicap: 24. Tea handicap: unknown. (Prefers those ?fruit teas? that smell fantastic but taste bloody awful.)

Staff writer Paul O?Hagan. Playing handicap: 5. Tea handicap: 10. (Struggling to make single figures. Has the occasional outstanding round.)