Fergus Bisset: Oh brother

Fergus has been playing poor golf recently and doesn't want to write about it anymore. So he's come up with this instead.

Fergus Bisset
By
published

I’ve a confession to make - I’ve been watching Big Brother this summer. I’d like to say it’s because I’m interested from a sociological perspective - that I see it as an important study of how a microcosm of British society interacts and reacts to challenges and adversities. But I can’t. It’s just switch the brain off, mind-numbing viewing requiring no thought whatsoever. After a day of struggling with work, dismal golf and a screaming toddler it’s just about all mine and Jessie’s brains are up to.

Semi-watching it last night I had a thought. Wouldn’t it be great if during the Open next year there was a late night round-up programme at the end of each day in the style of Big Brother?

As my mind drifted towards sleep, watching the goons on BB attempting to put on a Vegas-style variety show, I imagined the first day of my golfing version going something like this: (Remember to put on your best Geordie accent when reading.)

Narrator: Day 1, 7.14am. Vijay Singh has been on the putting green for four hours. He’s holed 1,705 three-footers in a row and is going for a personal best of 1,706. Vijay: Oh bloody hell I’ve missed it. Narrator: It’s a bad omen for the big Fijian.

Narrator: 8.25am. Colin Montgomerie is giving an enthusiastic pre-round press conference. Colin: Of course I’ve got a chance. If I can just get off to a fast start and make some birdies in the first few holes I’ll put myself in a position to win.

Narrator: 10.06am. Colin has just double bogeyed the 4th hole and has dropped to three over par. Colin: Those blasted marshals!

Narrator: 12.45pm. John Daly has hit seven balls out of bounds on the 16th hole. It already looks like another cut missed for the American. John, leaning to the left as another ball drifts away: Awwwh, god darn it.

Narrator: 1.58pm. Colin has completed a round of 77. He’s refusing to give a post-round press conference. Colin: I just don’t want to alright!

Narrator: 3.01pm. Spanish journeyman Santiago Luna has just holed his second shot to the final green to fire a first round 65 and take a surprise lead. Santiago: I hit at the shot and it go in. Narrator: 3.45pm. Starter Ivor Robson hasn’t had a pee for nine hours and his voice is getting higher and higher as he crosses his legs tighter. Ivor: On the teeeeee…..

Right enough of this nonsense. I’m off to have a long hard think about myself.

Fergus Bisset
Fergus Bisset
Contributing Editor

Fergus is Golf Monthly's resident expert on the history of the game and has written extensively on that subject. He has also worked with Golf Monthly to produce a podcast series. Called 18 Majors: The Golf History Show it offers new and in-depth perspectives on some of the most important moments in golf's long history. You can find all the details about it here.

He is a golf obsessive and 1-handicapper. Growing up in the North East of Scotland, golf runs through his veins and his passion for the sport was bolstered during his time at St Andrews university studying history. He went on to earn a post graduate diploma from the London School of Journalism. Fergus has worked for Golf Monthly since 2004 and has written two books on the game; "Great Golf Debates" together with Jezz Ellwood of Golf Monthly and the history section of "The Ultimate Golf Book" together with Neil Tappin , also of Golf Monthly.

Fergus once shanked a ball from just over Granny Clark's Wynd on the 18th of the Old Course that struck the St Andrews Golf Club and rebounded into the Valley of Sin, from where he saved par. Who says there's no golfing god?

Latest