'A Classic Case Of Performance Anxiety!' – What These 5 Common Golf Dreams Mean... According To A Psychologist

One of my favourite scenes in Caddyshack is when Bill Murray describes, with a pitchfork in his hand, the occasion he caddied for the Dalai Lama – “The flowing robes… Striking.” His fabrication of the long-hitting Lama probably stems from some hallucinatory dream induced by the special “grass” he cultivates.

I watched the film (again) the other day and the scene made me remember a weird golfing dream I had some years ago. It was while I was at university in St Andrews. Some sort of summit was held in town which was attended by Nelson Mandela – he met the Commonwealth leaders, I think.

Anyway, I got a gig caddying for Mandela in a big-money match around the Old Course against Tony Blair. Mandela was playing a blinder – four-up at the turn, and Tony couldn’t buy a putt. It was thrilling stuff, but then I lost Mandela’s clubs when I went for a pee in the gorse bushes.

I began running around frantically trying to find them, but they had totally vanished. The great South African was very good about the whole thing and assured me they’d turn up soon, I just needed to be patient. I can’t remember what happened after that. I think I woke up sweating.

I’m always having dreams about golf, and thought I’d like to know what they might be trying to tell me. I contacted Stephen Smith - Chief Psychologist and Chair of The Division of Sport & Exercise Psychologists at the British Psychological Society (who is also a fellow St Andrews graduate) to help. Here’s a selection of the dreams (plus one of my colleague’s) and Stephen’s possible explanations. At the end, he might just clear up that Mandela one too…

1. Teeing off woes

The dream

This is a recurring dream I have. I’m standing on the first tee and excited at the prospect of playing. Generally, people are watching or it’s an important competition. My playing partners tee off happily enough and then it’s my turn. I go to the teeing area and suddenly there’s some sort of obstruction. There’s a bush behind me and I can’t get a backswing, or there’s a low wall just in front that I can’t see any way of getting up and over in time.

Try as I might, I can’t find a spot to tee it up where I’m not impeded. The crowds, officials and players all get impatient and I become increasingly flustered. Other variants include - the ground on the tee being so uneven I can’t get a stance, or the ball refusing to stay on the tee peg. I generally wake up before even attempting a stroke, but the times I have managed to make a pass, the results have left me in the same predicament, i.e. I’ve missed it, hit the wall and pinged out of bounds, or similar.

Stephen’s possible explanation

Ah a classic piece of performance anxiety. Probably caused by a mental scar from a terrible experience on the first tee when you were a novice golfer. The years may have passed, the memory of that day has faded but it still lingers deep in your subconscious. It only emerges from the recesses of your mind when you are in the arms of Morpheus. Of course, Freud would always say there is a sexual component to our dreams. Fergus, is there something else you need to discuss in terms of performance anxiety?

2. US Open Catastrophe

The dream

I had a very strange dream that, somehow, I qualified to play in the US Open. That’s strange enough in itself. But then, when it was my turn to tee off in the first round, I hooked my opening drive into the trees where it rattled through the open door of a Portakabin. I went in to find an office-style scenario filled with old work colleagues of mine.

My ball was unplayable next to the watercooler, so an old boss (who I’d pretty much forgotten) granted me a free drop from an immovable obstruction. The problem was that the nearest point of complete relief was atop an unmade bed in the corner by the filing cabinets. I played from there but hit it poorly, straight under a photocopier. The machine was moved (a moveable obstruction) and I hit out through an open door at the far end of the cabin.

I thought I was off and running but when I walked out, the US Open had totally disappeared and I found myself at a swimming gala with all my old school colleagues sitting in the stands. I spied my ball in the deep end. I dived in to retrieve it and woke as I hit the water…

Stephen’s possible explanation

Goodness you are one mixed up puppy Bisset. Your dreams may start on a golf course, but they soon dive deep into those areas of unresolved issues that you claim to have long forgotten. You don’t need to be a psychologist to know that the question is ‘What was said by that boss beside that watercooler?’ Freud would want to know why there is a powerful image of the boudoir linked to your memories of your workplace – just what kind of organisational culture was going on there? What did happen at the real school swimming gala. Do any of those old schoolfriends still talk to you or are you that classmate that everyone now shuns?

3. Further US Open Misery

The dream

I had another one in which I was playing the US Open at Pebble Beach (I don’t why I always qualify for the US Open) and found a greenside bunker on the famous 7th. No matter how well I played the shot out, it kept spinning back so aggressively that it rolled back into the bunker. The final shot eventually spun back past the edge of the trap and into the Pacific.

Every time I played the shot, I thought I’d nailed it. People cheered at first and I felt enormous satisfaction, but then the oohs and aahs started from the gallery as it began to spin and head back towards me. I don’t know what happened after the ball went in the ocean… If it’s OB, I assume I had to take stroke and distance relief and drop in the bunker, where it would invariably have plugged. Hopefully it’s red stakes.

Stephen’s possible explanation

Dear god man what is it with this continuous obsession with all things USA? The contents of the dream are immaterial as the main issue is your inability to see yourself as you really are. Our therapy goal must be to turn those dreams into good old fashioned British nightmares that occur on the hallowed grounds of The Old Course, St Andrews in our very own Open.

So, I prescribe a behavioural therapy course where you must sit down every night to watch the full set of ‘Downton Abbey’ series including all the Christmas specials. This must be done after the consumption of a traditional British dinner (bangers and mash, fish and chips etc) washed down by copious amounts of tea. Before bed each night you must sing a rousing chorus of Rule Brittania. In your dreams the ball will now roll back into the cavernous bunker by the 17^th Road Hole – you will wake up shaking and drenched in sweat, but it will be because of good old fashioned British golf terrors sir.

4. Putting From The Gods

The dream

I do have some nice ones too. Hitting booming drives, playing with the sun on my back, playing Augusta… There’s one I remember where I had developed an infallible putting technique. I couldn't really understand what I was doing, but it involved something to do with holding the club right at the end of the grip and moving my head slightly behind the ball. It never missed and I was on the verge of turning pro when I woke up... I was disappointed by that one as it didn’t work at all when I tried to put it into practice for real.

Stephen’s possible explanation

Ah the classic ‘Infallible putting technique dream’. Everyone has heard that we ‘Drive for show and putt for dough’. This is the holy grail for every golfer that has ever played this game from Tasmania to Timbuctoo. No matter what your handicap, being able to putt well will always make a significant improvement to your score. Like an unattainable love interest, the perfect putting process is a dream all golfers share. In this aspect Fergus you appear almost, nearly normal.

5. Under Attack

The dream

And one from Golf Monthly’s Elliott Heath to finish … “I’m playing golf but keep getting hit by golf balls. Everyone is shouting “Fore” from all directions. For some reason my sleeping brain thinks golf is really dangerous/scary and I’m going to die. It tends to be a dream I have the night before going to play golf so I imagine it’s a precursor to what my round is going to be like!”

Stephen’s possible explanation

Having trained as a doctor initially and having had the joy of working in Accident & emergency at Glasgow Royal infirmary I can confirm golf is a dangerous game. Well…. only if you were like the patients that wandered into the hospital late on in the afternoon with a muddy golf towel wrapped around their head, held in place by a golf cap squeezed on top. Typically, when asked when they were hit by a golf ball they would say

“Oh, it was early on in the round but I had such a good card going I had to continue”.

Golf itself is not that dangerous but the behaviour of the head-injured golfer leaves a lot to be desired. Don’t worry Elliott you are unlikely to get hit on the course but, if you do, please come into the hospital early.

And finally – what about that Mandela one?

Stephen’s possible explanation

Stephen is unable to answer this one as his colleagues have taken him to lie down in a darkened and well-padded room. After nearly 40 years as a psychologist, he is a man completely broken by ‘The Dreams of Bisset’. I am sure we all wish him a speedy recovery.